Preceptually Yours

He Loves Me

2011-12-23T21:52:00.000-08:00

Marcus likes me. No, wait, he loves me. It's been a long time coming.

In late August, mom took a break at the coast for a few days and I got the kids. My strategy was simple: Keep them so busy that they wouldn't notice the one person who fed, clothed, and bathed them daily wasn't around. And it worked. For about five minutes.

You've got to realize that up to this point Marcus didn't even let anyone but mom hold him. I mean, he didn't even let her put him down without whining or constant cries of "Mama, mama." And Dru did the same to me. So we'd spent nearly a year and a half splitting up the kids. But deep inside I'd really hoped my boy would warm to me, you know? Like, I don't mind if he's an effeminate mama's boy but he'd better be into watching sports with me.

The weekend went well. We did keep extremely busy. There were no major meltdowns and Marcus' incessant "Mama. Mama." as I rocked him to sleep lessened as the days went by. And I found an interesting thing - we could pass the time watching monster truck videos on YouTube. Turns out this kid LOVES monster trucks, truck races, motorcycles, and cars. And railroad engines, sorry, choo choo trains. After mom got home, he actually woke up once saying, "Papa papa, truck! Truck!"

Fast forward the two months it took me to find the time to write this, and you'd never guess this is the little boy who wiggled out of my arms screeching each time I picked him up. He followed me around the house all evening, taking up position at my leg and leaning against it. We had a blast in the bathtub, and the look of gratitude in his eyes when I removed Mr. Frog and the blowfish (they frighten him for some reason) was priceless. We just have a blast. He's a silly, sensitive, sweet boy. He still loves his mama. But these days he loves his papa, too.

John In Late Tomorrow

2011-08-21T23:43:00.000-07:00

I will be at work late tomorrow, as my cat is having an emergency dental procedure at 7 am. She has an abscessed tooth that requires immediate attention. She has never been to the dentist or had her teeth cleaned, as she is a rather delicate eater and seems to chew all of her food well. It's also impossible to hold her down and brush her teeth by force, and good luck getting her to floss regularly. Also, by abscessed tooth I mean regular cleaning appointment. And by cat I mean my wife.

I should be in before the weekly staff meeting.

Tonight I took an hour-long bath. For the first half an hour I read a magazine. For the second half hour I fell asleep. After I took my glasses off, but before I fell asleep, I realized that to my son there are only two kinds of people in the world. The kind of person who, when you run at them full speed without stopping and then jump, they either catch you, or they don't. Which makes me think of the people I work with. I'm not sure his criteria applies.

I would like to lose another five pounds while eating more tortilla chips and ice cream. This will require me to exercise more or blog more. I am unsure which. Also, I tend to misspell sandwich "sandwhich". It is also bad form to end a sentence a preposition with.

I am taking my first class towards my Master's degree. At the rate of one class per semester I should be done in five years. Today is day four. I am pretty stressed out. Which reminds me:

There really wasn't much of an internet when I was an undergrad.

Fin.

The Cuteness

2011-05-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

There are worse things in life than being constantly surrounded by unbearable cuteness. It's one of the few things that recharges my batteries. It's like an adorable form of solar power.

Marcus is turning into a little toddler complete with assisted walking, babbling, giggling, and smiling. He is outrageously flirtatious with women. He has been tolerating me slightly more than usual lately, though I have been wearing more mascara.

Drusilla has absolutely exploded with new skills at an astounding rate. She's using more sentences than ever, expressing her needs (well, mostly her wants), and just being more present than I've ever experienced. Best of all is that she's regained her absolute silliness, which is one of the things I missed the most when she was sick all winter long. She has a goofy yet sly sense of humor that makes my heart beat a happy tango. She *knows* when she's being funny but will act like she doesn't notice. I absolutely love it.

Both of the kids are just radiating with energy, which honestly makes it difficult to keep up. Lately Dru has woken at 6am acting like she's had a triple cappuccino - rattling off a half-discernible toddler dialog like a drunk Henry Rollins spoken word performance. I sit quietly and watch in stunned amazement, thinking, just like her mother. Marcus sleeps in (just like his father) but when awake is insistent. He wants his mother. I am not his mother. He wants the remote control for chewing. He still wants his mother. I can't keep up with both of them simultaneously unless they're strapped into a stroller. I don't see how Merry does it.

Myself, I am focused on keeping Merry sane. We have two sitters a week and yoga happening to give her a break. The house projects are continuing, hopefully lending some peace of mind. I must admit to being impatient. But I think the really bad days and the bad days have turned into bad days and bearable days. So I'll take any improvement. I've really felt like a failure as a husband to see her so stressed out. Which makes me want to hire a nanny, or a clown, or both. Wanted: Clown nanny. $12/hour. Must make balloon animals.

Fortunately we have two little clowns of our own to help us laugh and laugh. Which reminds me, Mother's day is coming up. I should probably do something for that.

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2011-04-03T12:44:00.001-07:00

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To Spring

2011-03-21T19:25:00.001-07:00

It's been a long winter. A long, long winter. It's so exciting for me to see the spring blossoms start to appear. Finally! I say to myself, We can get out of the house!

Dru has been perpetually ill and perpetually on antibiotics and perpetually recovering and perpetually falling ill again. Poor kid. It's been a vicious cycle and we haven't quite kicked out of it yet. This summer, though, she'll be super immune. All we need to do is find some indigenous peoples with low immunity and send her over. Six months later and we'll own our own island. Or continent.

Marcus continues to amaze me with his cat-like reflexes and banshee-like scream. I never thought I would have kids like these - and it's been the most pleasant surprise. A little girl who's silly, goofy, and sweet, and a cat-banshee boy with a fondness for late nights. A lot like their parents, actually. Marcus has cut his first two teeth on the bottom and the front two are coming in. They're huge! He's going to look absolutely adorable-er.

Eventually we'll get around to sleep-training banshee-boy (I keep forgetting to bring home earplugs). Marcus is in our room due to the sleep distress he caused his sister and I've gotten good at falling asleep on the couch. Merry has been dealing with the stuff he does at night, like still crying for food and only being soothed by his mom. He wants to be held all the time, I mean all the time. He'll be Portland's only 30-year-old in a Baby Bjorn. This being Portland there's probably an adult league of some kind for that. So maybe it won't be completely dysfunctional.

I've been getting by. I'm amazed at the level of Zen I can project toward my job these days. Hopes/dreams don't really compare with good benefits in this economy. I'm on a naturopathic detox and it feels pretty good. My biggest sacrifice so far is coffee. Without caffeine masking my real energy levels I have found that my energy levels are typically low. Low to low-minus. But I am able to concentrate a bit more. Mostly on how tired I am. It's a month-long thing so if I have 37 posts next month we'll all know it's worked.

Overall it's been a tough winter but a wonderful month. Our focus has been helping Dru. We've gotten her to be a bit more active and eating better. She's really been expressing herself ("Papa, I want to watch the new Caillou." in .5 seconds). Marcus is the sweetest thing and adores his mom. And I have to admit it's been a treat to wake up at 5am and find him snuggled in bed with us. Baby Bjorn here we come.

Holiday Season

2010-12-18T22:40:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy couple of months! We've never been quite this sick all at the same time. Finally everyone is getting over it. Just in time for a Christmas Card photo shoot in the kitchen.

Here's the run-down: Drusilla had two colds and two rounds of antibiotics. Marcus had a cold that turned into the croup and then got pink-eye. Merry and I each got sick. And in the middle of it all I managed to injure my back, requiring physical therapy. All in about seven weeks.

So here it is, time for the holidays and my family to-do list is huge. The house has regurgitated laundry, dishes, and toys everywhere. We don't have a Christmas tree. There are no lights up, inside or outside of the house. Leaves are choking every gutter. Aw, man!

In the middle of it all I'm trying to find a new job. I'm studying new technologies in any spare minute (that I'm not playing games on my smart phone). I've updated my resume. And I'm learning what people mean when they say "the economy is bad" or "we are in a recession." It means there are no jobs to be had, or the ones posted are for extremely specialized skills since there are such experienced folks looking for work.

Writing all that down makes me a bit surprised to be in such a good mood. After all, I do have a job. I do have the ability to study. And finally I have the ability to bend over and put my own socks on.

The kids of course have been terrific as usual. Dru's been a little clingy lately but it's hard for me to mind. I'm realizing that I understand our goals for her therapies for the first time in a long time. And we converse now and make up games that we both play. Her verbalization just gets better and better - she's waking me up at 6am saying, "Papa, want letters!". I wish I had the energy to go over the alphabet at 6am. Someday.

I feel like I've been able to bond more with Marcus lately. He's sitting up on his own and rolling over (front-to-back and vice versa). He loves to be tossed in the air and smothered with kisses. Last night I was gobbling up his hand and he'd stick it right back in front of my mouth. We're playing games! Yay! He's getting a wonderful personality all of his own and I'm thrilled to see he likes silliness almost as much as his sister.

My only worry is Merry. It's incredibly tough to care for both of the kids and do anything else. When I do it I'm stuck with a nagging feeling that there's laundry to be done or cooking that should be happening. It's just not possible with two little ones. So I'm trying to help out despite staying up too late programming and being exhausted from work. I'm hoping to figure something out.

Despite the drawbacks, though, this is something we're all going through together as a family. We'll all remember the tough, exhausting times in one way or another. And it only gets easier. After all, in only a week the kids celebrate their first Christmas together. Every day is a new day.

Naked Lunch

2010-10-09T19:21:00.001-07:00

It's a nice feeling to feel so proud of my kids. Not that I ever expected not to, just that seeing those basic parental instincts kick in is highly amusing.

We've had such a nice Saturday today. We ate cinnamon rolls at Auntie Erica's bakery and had a nice lunch at a new Thai restaurant. All of this excitement f followed by a delicious nap.

Marcus is smiling, laughing, and cooing. He turned over on his own today for the first time. Right now he's playing in his jungle.

Drusilla is participating in heer favorite pastime, watching videos. I am a little surprised by how much I rely on that particular parenting technique. But she learns things sometimes, mostly how to ask us to play a video...

Personally I'm exhausted. Work is quite busy, meaning I've not kept up on new technology. But home is busier, meaning I'm not going to be studying for a while. I struggle a lot with feeling ok about not keeping up on all my areas of interest. But really, being a dad is so much more important than volunteering, studying, blogging, writing, drawing, gardening, or shaving. And it's more fun.

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Mister Marcus

2010-08-07T15:46:00.001-07:00

Parenting means learning the baby likes the sounds of the basement. This goes along with the effort to try anything to get the baby to stop crying.

He really is a good baby and likes quiet, contemplative Ingmar Bergman movies.

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The New Reality

2010-07-20T20:11:00.001-07:00

I find myself transcribing this post as a father of 2. The past 6 weeks have been wonderful. I've been on bonding leave, helping to take care of Drusilla and Marcus.

It's been like an early retirement. I've been working on the house, the laundry, the diapers and feedings. There's never a dull moment. Early on Merry and I set a schedule where I watch Marcus from 9 pm to 2am and she takes the 2am to 8am shift.It's been a life saver.

And then there's my new phone, from which I'm writing this post. I can keep track of everything in the world from here, email, appointments, and more. I feel like a real 21st century dad.

Dru is having a tough time adjusting to the shift in attention. I'm also struggling to come up with a skillful easy to deal with her tantrums.But we have so much loving support from our terrific friends, neighbors, and therapists that we're sure to survive. I feel more connected to my community than I have in 11 years living here.

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2010-05-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

Self-reflection is an amazing thing. I'm so happy when I've got a package coming to me in the mail, so I find myself doing a lot of online shopping. The latest is a little video camera that I've been carrying around, filming bits and pieces of my days with Drusilla. I got it to motivate myself to take more pictures of her since I've been slacking. It worked!

I'm constantly overwhelmed by what a sweet, funny kid she is. She makes goofy noises. She laughs a lot. Tonight she said, "Papa, lie down," and threw her arms in the air for me to take her to bed. How can you resist that? She gives full body hugs. She constantly gives kisses.

I'm trying to tone down the busy activities in my life in these last few weeks/days before her brother arrives. It won't ever be just the three of us again. It's been just as fun and rewarding as it has for the last three years, and I'm amazed how I don't have a single complaint. We've been so blessed with Dru. Her brother will be blessed, too.

Balancing Act

2010-04-30T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm always impressed with parents who work, parents with more than one kid, or parents doing both. It's exciting and frightening to be joining that unique club in a couple of months. I just can't wait to meet my son. I can't wait to see how happy he's going to make his mom. I know that Dru is going to be a great big sister.

One of the biggest changes in my life since having a child has been, not really the "busy-ness" of my life, but the replacement of all those down-times with family-time. Even in my mind, the time I used to spend on programming problems are now spent on how to provide, protect, and plan for my family. Mental note: The garage roof is fixed. Stop thinking about it.

Having our baby boy arrive, from my understanding, stretches that envelope of busy-ness. It fills up every spare crevice in your life and then some. I'm already realizing it. Those ten minutes after Merry and Dru get up that I spend in bed. Any time I'm alone. Any time the house is quiet. Gone. I feel like I'm getting ready to run a marathon, the rewarding, challenging marathon of dadness.

My relationship with my job has changed a lot since Dru, really driving home that there is a limit to what I can do. Yes, I still have four projects and three jobs going on. But I'm probably going to a pretty crappy job on them until things settle down. That's just the way it is.

It's hard to describe the support that having a family gives to me. I can't wait to add one to our little tribe. I feel stronger, more capable, more needed. And getting to explain the difference between bread and toast, man, that just rocks.

Fatherly Composition

2010-03-04T20:03:00.000-08:00

Lately, at 2 1/2, it seems like I'm following Dru's lead a lot more lately. I find myself chasing after her a lot, shouting, "Stop!" and "No!", or acting as a participant in what she wants. Long gone are the days of spending most of a Saturday snuggling on the couch. It's a much more active time.

I've slid into this space of thinking, Here's a Life Lesson opportunity: We don't kick the cats, We don't keep hugging our friends after they've asked us to stop, We don't put strange things in our mouth. There's this constant Parent Scorecard hovering over us televising future images of a ravenous teenager hugging cats to death while chewing on electrical cords.

Spending a part of every day on 'homework' for speech therapy and physical therapy makes the teaching instinct a little more acute. I gasp when I realize I've just been making duck noises for ten minutes at bath time instead of purposfully working on prepositions and two-word phrases. Or that we just learned how to kick the cat's toys instead of working on fine motor skills. Or that I didn't do any of the above after an exhausting day of work and 90 minutes with Dru before Mom put her to bed.

Really it's times like these where I just spend time in physical proximity to my little girl. There's lots of holding and hugging, kisses on her cheek, and hair tousling. I just want to be available in case anyone needs me.

All Smiles

2009-11-09T23:51:00.000-08:00

Oh, to be two again...

Drusilla is a full fledged two-year old: Throwing milk, unscrewing bottle tops, cackling, screaming, and chasing the cats. It's an amazing mix of a Tasmanian devil and a kitten.

Personally, while it's exhausting, it's a great phase. Some of our lessons on manners are sinking in (Milk thrown, 'Sorry' signed with a big smile). Best of all Dru's communication is picking up a lot and she's understandable (to us). She often talks about what she's done in the past couple of hours, describing finger painting to her baby doll or relating other stories to no one in particular.

Her therapy is hard work that I've gotten to participate in a lot lately. We're working on comprehension, really. I mean, she can say 'Milk please papa' and 'Milk please mama,' but she'll also give us 'Milk please papa mama okay!' So we're back down to just two word phrases: 'Want milk,' 'More yogurt' and the like.

Sometimes though, I just want to throw all of the paperwork out and just cuddle. And I do.

Time Flies

2009-09-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how the summer's flown by...

My little baby has turned into a toddler. She's literally toddling around, mostly after other little kids so she can ambush them with hugs and kisses. The two year olds hate it and push her away while the three year olds give her even bigger bear hugs and want her as a sister. It's cute.

Dru got her two-year portraits taken today, yes, two months late. Looking at photos of Dru, honestly, it's hard for me sometimes. There are ones where the Down Syndrome is really visible, it seems to shove my little baby out of the picture, obscuring her sweetness, her tenderness. But when she shines, she really, really shines. She's the sweetest, giggliest person I've ever known.

Every year before Dru's birthday her development seems to slow a little, then it explodes by leaps and bounds. Last year we were worried that she wasn't crawling, then two weeks before her first birthday she started. This year it was walking, now she wriggles out of my arms to rush off towards something shiny. She's incredibly vocal around me, instructing me to read, play, or pick her up. We're working on two-word phrases and she's suddenly got so many: "More cracker," "Want up," "Blow bubbles!"

For me, as a dad, well, I reflect with nostalgia on the energy I had during Dru's first year. I'm turning 35 in about a month and I wonder how much that has to do with it. I struggle with the regret of spending only an hour, two at most, with her on the weekdays, and in general of being wiped out all week long. But that's just how it is. She loves me madly. I love her with all that I am. It's enough.

Personally I've been trying to figure out some of my own motivations. I want to be admired, respected, and listened to with rapt attention. I want people whom I like to adore me. But most importantly I want to move beyond all of that. I want to be in service to my wife and daughter without having to get some external reward in return (like, "I can tolerate doing the dishes now because tomorrow everyone on the MAX will ask for my autograph.") It's a work in progress.

It seems like there are so many mysteries out there that are just out of grasp. I guess the trick is to know when to stop grasping.

Leaps and Bounds

2009-08-02T00:00:00.001-07:00

It's been almost two months since I last posted. It's been the most amazing two months.

Dru has reached a point where she's repeating words she's never heard before. She isn't walking but can while holding just one of our hands. Tonight I put the letters "D R U" on her door. She saw them, pointed at each one and said, "DEE! Yoo! AWww!". And yes, she pointed to them in that sequence.

We've also dealt with some real sadness in the past month, but Dru has helped us through that as well. Now more than ever I realize that it's my goal and practice to be the best husband and father I can be. Dru turned two last Tuesday (just four days ago). It hasn't been the easiest two years. But gradually it feels like I'm catching up.

Oh, and the attic is clean. The basement is clean. The landscaping is done (for now). The garden is thriving. The foundation and porch have been painted. I had no idea how much I'd been using the house to keep my head above water.

It feels like a year since my last post. My thirties have been spent aging a year a month, it seems. I wouldn't give it up, not for a minute.

Bedtime Meditations

2009-06-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

My little cutie just keeps getting cuter.

She's getting so big, she's chatty, she's not walking, she's standing, she's sick, she's feeling better, she's gorgeous, she needs glasses, she's laughing, she's tired, she's sleeping great, she's crying.

Her mom's tired and worn out, asleep on the couch tonight at 8pm. Last night she almost made it until 9pm. Poor thing.

I'm fine. I feel guilty for feeling fine, everyone else being sick, grumpy, and frazzled. But that's what the dad does, I am learning, holding the center. So now you know why dad has his garage, his basement workbench. In the midst of a lot of emotional turbulence there is a strange peace that comes from cleaning out the toolbox. A younger version of myself would have mocked the mundane nature of this. But it's hard to argue - clean is clean.

Spring Has Sprung

2009-05-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

May has been a bit like March was for us, a sick tired baby and very few breaks. Just when it seems like everyone's at the end of their rope the sun comes out and we're able to escape outside. Sometimes it doesn't help, but most of the time it does.

Dru's been asserting herself pretty aggressively lately. Ignoring commands to stop, well, ignoring most commands period. I haven't found anything that gets her attention, either. Discipline seems like it's going to need very deliberate thought for this little girl. I worry because she's indifferent to pain and has only the slightest sense of caution. I need to be vigilant to teach her not to get in over her head, say, with the stove.

Mom's definitely worn out after almost three solid months with a sick baby. Dru's just now getting over the croup, this after the two colds that followed the tonsillectomy and the cold before that. I've made a mental note to find Mom a break, maybe by hiring a spa to kidnap her for a couple of days.

As for me I'm pretty mellow, much to the consternation of some, lately. I can't put a finger on what it is, exactly. But it's hard to stay chilled when everyone around you is weepy, frustrated, and sick. And to add a baby on top of all that... Ah, I'm so glad the sunshine and warm weather are here again!

Ready to Party

2009-05-01T14:01:00.001-07:00

It's amazing what a little sleep will do for you. Dru was evaluated for sensitivity, and it turns out she's sensitive. Go figure. Actually, it's her hearing that's sensitive. So at night for the past week we've turned off all of the appliances in her room: The humidifier, air purifier, space heater, and sleepytime music. She's woken up once. Who knew that sleeping in a tuneful wind tunnel could disturb your sleep?

Best of all our little girl is very close to walking. I've posted a video of her standing on her own to my Flickr site. Yesterday she pushed her shopping cart down the sidewalk for the first time. Not the first time she could've, but the first time in months it wasn't raining. She was amazing! The look of determination on her face, coupled with her giggly joy at succeeding, is something I'll never forget. A sense of accomplishment is a new feeling for her and it's downright precious. When she starts walking we will be ready to party.

Personally I find my mood improving with the weather and ability to catch some Z's. I've been pretty introspective lately, realizing that I look for entertainment when I'm bored. I've seen how I try to cram every waking moment with some exciting kind of stimulation. Suddenly the baby wakes up at 4am and I'm dead for the rest of the day. Most of all, though, it feels like we're pulling out of a month that had a refinance, insurance switch, auto accident, tonsillectomy, and various illnesses thrown in. It feels like we're getting stronger all the time.

Pretty Woman

2009-04-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

What a month it's been, really. I'm not sure we've recovered from the Tonsillectomy and the associated lack of sleep, successive colds, and all that came with it. I've spent the past month in a bit of a fog, unable to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. In a way it's been nice, focusing one week on Dru's pretty Easter dress from Grandma Billie (whom Dru calls gramama), the next on the pretty Easter dress from Grandma Terry.

For myself I've really been working on tempering expectations. Mostly on my expectations that people have to respect me, think of me as on top of things, ultra-organized and super helpful. I'm just not in that space right now. I'm stressed out, tired, and in a fog. So I've been telling myself it's okay not to volunteer for extra work, okay to flake out on a meeting or two, okay to leave some chores undone.

It all comes down to what's important. My number one job is to be a good husband and a good father. How I do that defines me. Everything else is irrelevant, frankly. And every time I wish I was doing "better" - amazing people with my helpfulness, knowledge, or charisma - I try to think of what expectations give us - Not getting what you want is suffering. Getting what you don't want is suffering. In short, wanting is suffering.

Which is usually when I stop blogging and start doing whatever I've been avoiding. :)

Tonsillectomy Week 2

2009-03-15T19:58:00.000-07:00

Exhaustion. There are plenty of other adjectives, you know? But they're just different ways to say the same thing.

It was a decent week back to work except that Dru caught a cold, a virus actually, after the tonsillectomy. After a week of difficult times getting to sleep and waking with a painful throat, our little baby caught a cough that would wake her in the wee hours of the morning. It was a vicious cycle where her cough would irritate her throat and vice versa.

I'm very appreciative of Merry for shouldering the burden of taking care of Dru. I haven't slept well since I caught the virus, either. Tomorrow's another day at work, and I feel like I just left.

It's times when I'm a little stressed that I just pause and take some breaths. The right thing to do is to make sure my family is provided for, my chores are done, and I've been the best husband and dad I can be today. I've been tired, but I ain't done too bad.

Toddler Blogger

2009-03-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

And first, a message from our toddler:

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As you can see, Dru's recovering well from her tonsillectomy. I had a busy but rewarding week off, feeling productive and helpful.

I just snuggled with the baby until her deep breathing and large slobber patch on my chest told me she was asleep. Tonight as I bathed her she knew everything I was going to do - I was able to rinse her hair three times without any wiggling at all. We had a lot of great daddy daughter time too, getting to know each other again. She's a smart, goofy, hilarious kid. We're so lucky.

She's breathing better, sleeping better, and already doing new things like standing on her own. I'll never stop being amazed by Drusilla's ability to bounce back to do new things. It's like adversity is an inspiration to her. A good example for the rest of us.

I guess I can handle going back to work tomorrow.

Little Miss Sunshine

2009-03-01T20:48:00.001-08:00

Dru gets her tonsils out tomorrow, her second surgery. Yes, I'm nervous.

Mostly, though, it's my job to reassure mom that everything's going to be okay. I took the week off work to help out with the recovery of our little girl.

Sometimes when faced with stress I think of all the things that can go wrong, all the things I don't want to happen. I create this huge list of horrible scenarios and how I'm going to react to them. It means that in the past I've spent a lot of time living in a very uncomfortable place.

But, in the end, this is a tonsillectomy. I know deep down that everything will go fine and that this is going to help little miss sleep better, eat without gagging, and cough less. I can't wait for her to experience the benefits. And I keep wondering if I'd only gotten my tonsils out maybe I'd have that singing voice I've always hoped for.

Everything will be exactly as it was meant to be. As Ajahn Chah used to say, if it was meant to be something else, it would have been.

Good Communication

2009-02-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

Our little Miss Dru is eighteen months old now, an inquisitive little girl. She isn't walking, but I'm not worried about it in the least. She's just stood in the living room for the past half an hour and will occasionally wiggle her arms, balancing with her belly against the sofa. She also got some new shoes and is stepping with greater confidence. Soon. Soon.

In the meantime it's been nice to see her bond with her mom growing stronger. Dru lights up when mom comes into a room, and they have a good adult-toddler patter going. Best of all is the signing. Dru knows a lot of signs but is just now putting them together. She'll wave "Hi" to her mom across the room, then pat the sign for "cracker". "Do you want a cracker?" Merry asks, to which Dru gives her affirmative grunt and wiggle. All I want now is the "I'm not sleeping because..." sign. Though she has gotten another molar and her eye teeth are coming in.

I'm finding that my role as dad hasn't changed much for awhile, though my energy level has dipped. I'm acknowledging my need for downtime while trying to be productive in bursts. Dru's at a great age for this, pretty self-entertaining for short periods and a serious afternoon napper. I think we're all suffering a little from cabin fever and are looking forward to spring.

Toddling Around

2009-01-18T14:31:00.001-08:00

It's official, I am the parent of a toddler. Yes, she's still the sweetest baby ever, she just happens to be more vocal, mobile, and destructive. Like a well-intentioned bulldozer. Her moods, which used to change hourly, now change in 30 second increments. And what's going on with this desire to be independent, to do things on her own without any need for encouragement or acknowledgement? I feel like all the comforting skills I've developed are suddenly useless. Is she teething? In need of a diaper change? Hungry? No, but she's still shouting.

When Drusilla gets like this it's always temporary. Either she has a molar break through, gets sick, or evolves a new set of skills. Right now she's shouting at her Teddy bear while beating it viciously. Either she's struggling to communicate or really, really hates bears. I think I'm going to take her for a nap, poor frustrated little girl.

It's a good thing to know the difficult times don't last. Just a few hours ago we were playing peek-a-boo with daddy's jacket, only to learn that it generated a large amount of static electricity. Seeing a toddler with science-museum hair is extremely entertaining. One day she'll look back on it and laugh.

Back From Work

2009-01-09T18:44:00.000-08:00

Phew. My first full week of work in a month and I survived. I have to admit, though, that when I got off the train and into the car, I found Drusilla looking as tired as I felt. She's been teething extra-lots this week and everybody's exhausted.

I had a lot of anxiety coming into the week, anxiety related to forgetting something... Monday was a nice reminder that, oh yeah, I'd released an application just prior to the holiday. There were a few related kinks that I had to resolve in a hurry, but it all worked out in the end.

I think my biggest source of worry was how I'd relate to work after a month of really imbibing in the holiday spirit. Snow days. Vacation days. Holidays. My New Year's resolution is to be more motivated at work. Primarily this means trying to work equally hard on the things I like as those I don't, and that's tough. I told myself that if I didn't hit the ground running on Monday I'd failed. Then Monday came and I missed the alarm. And the train. You can see the trend.

I've slowly worked my way back into my comfort zone. Things are smooth and I'm looking forward to a quiet, uneventful year. Oh, and we're thinking about having another baby.